5 Things to Consider When Talking to Your Child About Anxiety
By Erin Jones, LCMHC
When you suspect that your child or teen may be struggling with anxiety, it can feel daunting to think about how to bring up your concerns in a useful way. Here are some tips to help parents both begin and continue the conversation effectively:
1. Set the Scene
As tempting as it can be to discuss your concerns with your child when they’re actively worrying or upset, it can help to wait. Before getting the conversation started, it’s important to pick a time outside of the “heat of the moment,” when you and your child aren’t as actively upset or in conflict. This will help both you and your child be more likely to have a productive, meaningful conversation about their worries.
For both younger children and teens, it may help to bring up the conversation about anxiety during a routine activity, such as a car ride, a walk together, or (perhaps more for the younger ones) while playing with toys.
When it’s time to talk, get unplugged so that you can stay focused, even if you’re engaging in an activity together.
Practice active listening skills, such as making some eye contact, nodding, and summarizing some of what they’ve said. You can normalize and remind them that it is okay to feel worried.
2. Ask Questions with Curiosity
When bringing up the discussion, it’s important to approach the topic with curiosity rather than criticism. You can point out things that you’ve noticed while also asking for their permission to talk about the subject. For example:
- “It seems like you might be having a hard time falling asleep lately- Want to talk about what’s been going on?”
- “I’ve heard that it can be common to get anxious before tests at school. Have you been feeling that way?”
- “Can we talk about how things have been going at school lately?”
If your child declines the conversation and is not willing to talk about it, don’t push. Let them know that you love them and you’re here for them whenever they’re ready- and try again another time.
Follow up questions can include additional detail about their experiences-
- “When do you tend to feel the most anxious?”
- “What does anxiety feel like for you?”
- “If you could make one thing about your life less stressful right now, what would it be?”
- “Has anything helped so far?”
Hopefully these discussions can lead to continued check-ins with your child to help support them and see how they’re doing with their anxiety.
3. Use Age-Appropriate Language
Younger children tend to have a harder time discussing more of the content of their worries. They may benefit from visuals such as books to exemplify worries and start additional discussions.
There are a variety of children’s books on feelings, worries, and anxiety that you can research online, though I included some ideas at the end of this article. Movies, such as “In and Out” (especially the second one- with the addition of anxiety!) can also allow for a great opportunity to start discussions.
When reading books or watching movies about feelings and/or worries, you can ask your child “Has this ever happened to you?” or “Sometimes I have worries like the character in this book- What about you?”
Younger children may also benefit from metaphors to describe how the brain experiences worry. For example, describing anxiety and the nervous system as a “fire alarm that keeps going off” and then a “false alarm” can be a relatable analogy.
Older children and teens can typically talk about their worries and symptoms of anxiety more directly. You know your teen best- Some may still appreciate the metaphors and some would rather you ask about their worries in a concise way.
4. Don’t Forget to Listen
This one can be easy to forget!
When your child is responding to you about their experiences, try to be intentional about taking some time before your respond. Practice active listening skills, such as making some eye contact, nodding, and summarizing some of what they’ve said.
You can normalize and remind them that it is okay to feel worried. You may also validate their experiences by sharing any ways that you can relate.
While listening to your child and formulating a response, you want to avoid dismissing their worries or minimizing them. For example, avoid telling them that they shouldn’t feel this way, “just stop worrying about it,” etc.
5. Consider Outside Help from an Anxiety Specialist
No matter how conversational your child is regarding their worries, it doesn’t hurt to recruit some outside help from a therapist- That’s what we’re here for!
A therapist can not only provide a designated space to discuss worries, but also can provide education and ways to incorporate various skills to give the anxiety less power in one’s life. Families can especially benefit from seeking help from a therapist if the child’s anxiety is interfering with their sleep, academics, or other activities.
When searching for a therapist for your child or teen, it is important to ask the clinician about their experience in working with pediatric anxiety. For example, you can ask about what relevant trainings they have received and whether or not they utilize evidence-based practices, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
Asking if the clinician is open to supporting parents and loved ones in the therapeutic process of the child can also be a helpful question.
References and Related Books/Resources:
Though I hope that these resources are helpful- Ultimately, you know your child best and you’re the expert in talking to them. You’re already doing wonders by reading this article and by being there for them.
- “Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD”- Dr. Eli Lebowitz
- “How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk” – Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
- “Worried No More: Help and Hope For Anxious Children”- Dr. Aureen Wagner
- “Wilma Jean The Worry Machine” -Julia Cook
- “What to do When You Worry Too Much”- Dawn Huebner
- “Outsmarting Worry”- Dawn Huebner
- “Stuff That’s Loud”- Ben Sedley & Lisa Coyne (especially for teens with intrusive thoughts/OCD)
About the author. Erin Jones is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC) with over 5 years of experience providing evidence-based practice counseling services for individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and related diagnoses. She works at Bull City Anxiety and OCD Treatment Center, where she sees individual clients, manages an intensive Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) program, and runs some groups.
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