Navigating High School Friendships
By Quinandria Lee, Ed.S., LPC, LCMHC, NCC
(Please find an image with questions below that can be used as conversation starters, journal prompts, or internal reflections).
Transcript:
Quinandria Lee
Okay, so y’all brought up friendships a lot. So how do you maintain friendships in high school?
Speaker 1
Well, I really enjoy spending quality time with my friends, because I love my friends. So I would say spending quality time with them having open and honest conversations with them, not just, you know, laughing and giggling all the time, actually having deep conversations just to understand them better and stuff like that.
Quinandria Lee
What types of deep conversations do you have with your friends?
Speaker 1
Things about like peer pressure, possibly self esteem, or any problems we may be having because you don’t want anything to go unsaid if you are having an issue or something.
Quinandria Lee
Okay. Is everyone still friends with their middle school friends? Not all of them, okay. Okay. How does, how did that feel? Losing those friends?
Speaker 3
Wait for me. It was hard, because, like me and that girl, we used to lose like this, so then when I like, I’m not for the same business, but like, when I see her doing stuff that I don’t be doing, I was like, I don’t I’m not gonna do that associate myself. I’m not gonna do that much. I’m like, keep that promise I made with my parents. Do do all in school. Get your diploma and just leave.
Quinandria Lee
Okay, so y’all stop being friends because y’all just had different
Speaker 3
Yeah, we just had different interests. Yeah, yeah. She didn’t like school anymore. Oh, okay.
Speaker 2
For me, it was like, when, usually, like, when you stop being like, close to somebody, you’re already distancing yourself with them before you actually stop being close. Like, I didn’t really feel no type of way about it. But I was like, I wish we could have made it better before we stopped being friends. But like, it’s kind of hard to, like, maintain, maintain friends with me, because I’m not, like, a social person. My social battery runs out pretty easy. So I have to, like, found boundaries with myself, and then find boundaries with my friends too. Like what they want to do, what I want to do, so we can compromise and then, like, it could come naturally, because I don’t like a forced relationship, like, that’s awkward. Like, no, I don’t want that. So it’s like, just like finding yourself first and then finding yourself with other people. That’s what mine is.
Speaker 3
I love that. For me, I bought like I had my middle school friend, and I put more into the friendship than she did, and she was really onto boys and trying to find her high school boyfriend. And then when she broke up with high school boyfriend, like she came out to me. She She always kept coming back to me. She broke up somebody to rely on. And then when she got her boyfriend, she wouldn’t talk to me. So I kind of had to, like, break off from that relationship, because I, like, I wanted to stay in touch with her, like she was, like, my one of my best friends. I want to stay with her, but it wasn’t healthy for me trying to always try to talk to her, but she didn’t want to talk to me because she was with her boyfriend. Then she only come back to me when she broke up her boyfriend, yeah, yeah. It’s like they’re she’s there just when it’s convenient, yeah, yeah. That sucks.
I also have different levels of friendships, some that are, like, surface level and we can joke around and stuff, but won't really get too deep. And then I have, my really, really close friends that I know I can talk to about any and everything.
Boundaries
Quinandria Lee
Lee, you said something about boundaries. How do you create boundaries with friendships?
Speaker 2
I just feel like you have to communicate with them, like you should just communicate any problem that you might have, because how are they gonna know that you have a problem with it if you don’t sell nobody? So it’s like, you can’t really, like, expect them to know, like, what boundary to push and what battery not to push. Yeah, and like, you have to realize that not everything can go your way. So you have to, like, be bounded, like, with each other. You know, because I know I have, like, a couple things that I don’t like my friends doing, but it’s like they’re themselves. That’s like, that’s what they do, yeah, so I can’t change that about them. So, like, we’re just gonna compromise together.
Quinandria Lee
Okay, what is a boundary that you set with your friends? Anyone else set boundaries with friends?
Speaker 2
I just think about, let me see. I think what happens in the group chat stays in the group chat. Okay, I don’t like, like, don’t go around telling people my business, or I won’t tell you’re like, that’s just something that every friendship should have. Just whatever stays in the group chat. Stays in the group chat.
Speaker 6
My boundary is don’t try to be like… Personally, it hasn’t happened to me, but I’ve seen it, but I don’t want all of a sudden, you trying to impress, like, trying to show off for somebody. Oh, Sonia, you remember this? Or are you putting my business out on the spot? So it’s like, are you trying to show off? Like, what’s this getting at? I don’t, I don’t like that at all. That’s one thing that I will distance myself from that because I I want, like, if I would feel uncomfortable, to do that to you. So it’s like, you should know how I feel about that, and if you just doing it because, oh, because this boy think I’m cute, so I’m about to do this, so he can…No, I don’t like that. It’s best to stay low and stay away from me.
Quinandria Lee
But do you tell him? Do you tell the friend? Like, you’re doing too much.
Speaker 6
Yeah, and I be blunt with them, because I’m not better. No, no. Like, no, I don’t, I don’t swing that way. Keep it cute and keep it cordial.
Speaker 4
I’m the same way. Like, don’t like, don’t act out in front of, you know, somebody you like, like, don’t do that. No, it’s and don’t tell my business either. If I’m not telling your business, don’t tell mine, because then you gonna rock me the wrong foot.
Speaker 2
Also feel like downplaying like their achievements or stuff, like, if I’m really happy about something, and they be like, Oh, that’s not really that much. That will really make mad. I cannot stand that. Like, don’t downplay my achievements. And then another, wait, was I about to say, um, dang it anyways. Yeah, downplay much. Like, I just don’t like that because I would like, if you’re really happy about something, I’m gonna support you. No matter what. Like, it doesn’t matter what it is. If it’s about a boy, if it’s about like, your grades, like a job or something, I’m gonna support you. I’m not gonna like, that’s not that much.
Healthy Confrontation
Quinandria Lee
Okay, one thing that sometimes can be hard is healthy confrontation with your friends, right? Like they do something that really make you upset or hurts your feelings. Is it easy, or is it hard to have those conversations?
Speaker 5
It’s kind of easy for me, because I’ve been knowing it for a long time. I feel comfortable with them. So it’s like, I’m not going, Oh, I’m gonna tell you in front of everybody. No, I’m gonna pull you to the side, like I don’t like this. And if you Of course, sometimes we’re going to have disagreements, and we’re not going to agree with each other all the time, and that’s okay. We can always go our step, like, think about it first and then let it, like, calm down. Okay, yeah, Johnny, I did agree with you, but at the moment, it was still a little fresh. So it’s like, you know, okay.
Quinandria Lee
So do you always address your friends when you have a problem with them?
Speaker 5
No, sometimes I keep it to myself, like, I won’t always, because it’s like, if it’s something that’s noticeable, like that you did, or that it’s a problem with me, I’m gonna keep it to myself, because sometimes I don’t feel that it’s necessary for me to tell you.
Quinandria Lee
Okay, anyone else?
Speaker 3
yeah, it’s kind of like, the same for me. I’ve been like, getting used to, like, being, being able to just, like, be up and be like, yeah, like, I don’t play that. Like, hmm, don’t do that. Uh, because, like, I just wanted to feel like, I just, I think, I think, I think a lot about the other person I’m doing it, so I don’t want it to feel like I’m, like, ganging up on them, or, like, trying to make them feel bad. And my main thing is, I don’t want an apology if you’re not sorry, if you’re not sorry, just say that you’re not sorry. Like, that’s better than being like, I’m sorry and then not being sorry, yeah. Like, I just, like, I gotta talk to you. Like, like, what were you think? Like, not over, not what were you thinking, but like, like, what were you thinking? Like, yeah, and it’s like, if I don’t, like, find that it’s like, like, in a way where, like, they can respect me. I’m like, well, like, I’m not cool with that. So like, like, sometimes I’ll hold off saying stuff to my friends, depending on who they are, but I try not to. But my best friend say when I was talking about earlier, her we go to different schools wearing different grades, and she lived all the way out in Franklin County, and she done sent me her birthday invitation. Her birthday was March 2. And I’m like, okay, little house party. And she’s like, Oh, but you’re not invited.
Speaker 4
She made, like, a little video on cap cut with it. And it was like, funny. I was like, Oh, this is funny. Like, I’m excited for your party. Like, what do you got for a gift? She like, oh, I should not invite it. And I’m like, then why did you send me the invitation? And she’s like, Oh, I just wanted to show you it, but, uh, it’s with my school friends. So, like, you know, I’m like, okay, yeah. So I was like, I’m just not gonna say nothing. But I just kept thinking about it, and I was like, I’m just gonna tell her. Like, that’s what, because it is, because I’ve known this girl for 10 years, I’ve been at every one of her birthday parties. Yes, she been to everyone online, yeah? It’s like, oh, it’s for my school friends, and her birthday was on a weekend, so she did a sleepover Friday, Saturday, and then Sunday, she spent the whole day with her.
Quinandria Lee
So did you address it?
Speaker 4
I was like, yo. Like, that made me feel like, I was like, not when you’re close friends. I’m like, I know we are, but it’s like, it just made me feel like I’m like, something you want to, like, hide away from your friends, like the person is like, Oh, I’ll talk to you, like, by myself, but like, I want people to know I talk to you, like, yeah. And she was like, sorry. Like, it wasn’t trying to be that way. And she’s not, like, good with emotions and stuff. So I was like, yeah, it’s okay. Like, I understand that you weren’t trying to be mean, like, she’s trying to be considerate. Because she was like, Oh, I don’t want you to feel left out. Because I guess she was like, feels left out if, like, she’s the only if the only person she knows is, like, the birth date, okay, then if they know everybody else there and they all go to the same school, and then, like, she the only one that nobody know. And I was like, yeah, it’s okay. Just like, Well, I was like, actually, it’s not okay, but like, I understand it. Do you? Yeah, do you okay? I understand if I was her, I would never do that, though, because that’s just how I am.
Quinandria Lee
So then you don’t understand and it’s okay for her to still be wrong and for you to still be hurt by it, because I will be hurt as well. Yeah, so that’s okay, but thank you for sharing that with us, because that’s vulnerable and you didn’t have to share in this space. Do y’all have different groups of friends? Like, do y’all have your school friends, your work friends, your like, neighborhood friends?
Friend Groups
Speaker 3
Yes, mine is the same group friend because, most of the people I go to school with that I be around with lives in my neighborhood. So it’s like, I see them every day. I have a lot of different friend groups because I’m in a lot of different places. So like, one would be my sports friends, like I’ll be different around them. And then when I’m going to my job and be around different around them than my school friends. I have two friend groups, actually. So I have like, my hype group, like I can dance with them, I can chill with them, and I’ll be all that. And then I have like that the other friend group, like they chill, but like, they, they don’t want to be all hype and stuff, and they want to be a little bit serious. So I, like, kind of, like both, okay, but I have, like, different. It’s just people you’re around, you’re different around. You’re going to add different if you’re around people who are, like, serious or calm, yeah, instead of people who like hype and ready to party. So it’s just the people around. I act different. I also have, like, a gym, like a group, friend, like, in my gym class, it’s just like, you know, like a class, I don’t know. I don’t know how to say, it.
Quinandria Lee
You’re just friends with them in that class?
Speaker 4
No, not just friends with that class. We like, we hang around like, we know how to be vulnerable with each other,
Speaker 6
yeah, okay. I also have different levels of friendship, some that are, like, surface level and like, you know, we can joke around and stuff, but won’t really get too deep. And then I have, like, my really, really close friends that I know I can talk to about any and everything. So yeah, I wouldn’t say I have too much of a problem with like, different friend groups, because I’m just very picky about my friends and, like, who I surround myself with. But yeah, just knowing the different like levels and different boundaries I have to have with those people, because of that.
Speaker 1
I also have, well, I have different friend groups, but like, they’re each very small because I’m not the most social person. So for me, I have my childhood friends that I like grew up with, that I’ve known for like 10 plus years. I have my school friends, which also has different levels, so just my associate associates and my best friends and my my neighborhood friends, okay, yeah, okay.
Speaker 2
I have like one main friend group, but then I have like individual friends out of that friend group. And it’s like with my main friend group, like with any person I’m friends with, it’s like you have to have, well, not you have to, but like for me, I kind of like have roles with them, like there might be one that I like want to play games with, and then there might be more like what I want to hang out with, and it’s like you have to maintain like those people in that friend group, because you don’t want to hang out like with one person more than the other, because then the other person might feel some type of way, you know?
Quinandria Lee
Okay, that’s fair.
Speaker 5
Um, me, I got like my best friend, and then I got a group of friends. Because me, I’m more scared of make. New friends. It’s not more of because it’s like the friends that I had, I knew them for a long time, so I’m I don’t know how to make friends.
Quinandria Lee
Why are you scared to make new friends?
Speaker 5
Because the world, the world we live in now, is kind of like it’s difficult to make friends. It’s like, it’s some friends that just want to be your friend because of a certain situation, or some friends that just want to be your friend just to say, Oh, I have friends. So it’s just like, I will want to have a friend group that I know I feel comfortable, comfortable with, and don’t have to change because, oh, I’m around y’all. So it’s like, oh, I’m going out. Oh, y’all want to go out with me, or it’s okay for them to say no, because, okay, they doing something. I won’t feel like, if it was another person, I’m like, is they? Is they really doing something, or they just don’t want to hang out? So it’s just like, that’s how I feel about it.
Quinandria Lee
Is it easy for you guys to make friends? No, no. It’s hard. Okay. What makes it so hard?
Speaker 3
Trying to read the person. They can act like so different around other people, then become a whole different way towards you. And then some of them can be like, talking behind your back, like they want to be your friend, but kind of use you for something that they need. And then when they get it, they’d be like, Yeah, I’m gonna go back over here. Like, so it’s mostly trying to connect to that person and what their real intentions. Like, they actually want to be your friend. They actually like how you are, or they trying to, like, I don’t know, play you a little bit. Got it? Like, okay, I just had so many, like, fake friends and like, in high school, in my first year, and then how they just kind of used me and then left or, like, try to start beef between me, and then it’s just trying to find those good friends, very, very rare.
Quinandria Lee
And when people cross you in that way, it can be hard to start trusting.
Quinandria Lee is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC), former Middle School Counselor and CEO of Curated Space Counseling and Consulting, LLC. With four years in private practice and five years of experience working in education as a K-12 School Counselor, she has experience working with a demographically diverse population of clients.
Quinandria is passionate about working in the mental health space to curate safe spaces for minority children, women, and men to have their voices heard, validated, and respected while destigmatizing the idea of therapy. With this passion, she is intentional about implementing cultural and social relevant therapeutic strategies and activities into sessions and workshops with clients.
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