Embracing Imperfect Motherhood
There’s a moment nearly every mom knows.
You’ve just placed a plate of dinner in front of your child. You’ve tried to include at least two food groups…and yet, your kid screams that he will only eat macaroni and cheese. The orange kind. Again. A little voice in your head whispers: “I am the worst mom.”
Or maybe it happens when your toddler melts down in the grocery store, and you feel every pair of eyes on you, silently judging. That voice shows up and says “no one else’s kids are screaming in the cereal aisle. They are all much better at this parenting thing.”
Or when you let your kid have extra screen time so that you can just get a little rest, or answer an email, or just not move for a moment… And once again, that voice is there, “I shouldn’t need screens to parent- what’s wrong with me?”
For me, the loudest version was after I had lost my patience with my kids- I snapped, or even yelled. I would repair, but later that day that voice would be especially loud and unkind.
It’s so easy to slip into the mindset that every little choice we make is a referendum on our worth as mothers. We care SO much. We want a scoreboard, some sign that we’re doing this right. It is our kids, after all. But here’s the thing: there is no single “right” way to mother. No one way works for every kid or every parent. And if there were, wouldn’t we have one parenting book instead of thousands?
The Myth of the “Good Mom”
Somewhere along the way, we picked up the idea that being a “good mom” means being something other than being human- That we should always be patient, always make the healthiest meals, always create magical childhood moments, and always, always put our kids first.
Some of us don’t recognize or label this as perfectionism- we think, “I don’t have to be perfect, so perfectionism doesn’t apply to me.” However, perfectionism isn’t always about perfection- what it IS about is impossibly high standards, and seeing things in “black and white.” Either I am always patient or I am the worst mom ever. One week of chicken nuggets for dinner and I am a failure.
Yet, what we know from psychology is that children actually just need “good enough” parenting- they need someone who is responsive SOME of the time. The reality is, if we were perfect, we’d actually be doing our children a disservice as they would never experience the importance of repair, forgiveness, self-compassion…all of the messiness that is part of human relationships.
Not only that, but when we chase perfection, we lose something important—ourselves. The pressure to be the ideal mother can be overwhelming, and the research is clear: A mother’s well-being is deeply connected to her child’s well-being. That means your happiness, your rest, and your sense of self matter.
"...when we chase perfection, we lose something important—ourselves."
Reality Check the Criticism
So if you’re stuck in a spiral of self-criticism, start with a quick reminder of what’s normal in parenting, not what you see on instagram:
- Your kid’s tantrum is not a measure of your parenting skill. Toddlers tantrum. It’s developmentally normal, not a sign that you’re failing. In fact, it’s a good sign that they are doing what they are supposed to do.
- Screen time does not define your worth as a mom. Sometimes you need a break, and that’s okay. And, there is some remarkably wonderful content out there. Our kids are growing up in a world where screens are part of life, and we can help them learn how to live in that world.
- Your child’s diet does not determine the kind of mother you are. A kid’s refusal to eat vegetables is a kid thing, not a mom thing. I know many picky eaters (myself included- I think broccoli was the ONLY vegetable I ate for the first 10 years of life), who grew up to be adventurous foodies.
- Working outside the home does not make you a bad mom. Neither does staying home. Neither does doing a mix of both. Kids benefit from a mother who feels fulfilled. Whatever that looks like for you is good for both of you.
Turning Inward
The next time you catch yourself looking outward for proof that you’re doing okay—whether through social media, books, or the opinions of strangers at the park—pause. Instead of searching for external validation, ask yourself:
- What do I value as a parent?
- What does my child need from me?
- What do I need to be the kind of mother I want to be?
The answers won’t be found in an online parenting debate about screen time or sleep schedules. In fact, I guarantee that if you look for the answer to any parenting question, you will find a wealth of people arguing at the top of their lungs that you are doing it wrong and that you are doing it right.
I have seen, time and time again, that my clients benefit when they connect with their own inner knowing instead. They think through those questions, what works for them, what feels ALIGNED. That doesn’t mean you cannot consult trusted sources, but do that as a place to gather information, not gather a test score of your parenting.
You’re Doing Better Than You Think
So when you find yourself questioning whether you’re a good mom, imagine yourself years from now, watching your grown child navigate parenthood.
They’ve called you in tears.
“Mom, I don’t know what to do. I feel like the worst mom ever. I’m so tired.” and she shares the same behavior that you are judging yourself for now.
When they come to you, exhausted and overwhelmed, wondering if they’re getting it all wrong—what would you tell them?
Say that to yourself now. This is one of the gifts (and challenges) of parenting- we get to re-parent ourselves too. If you wouldn’t say it to your kid, why would you say it to yourself?
Motherhood isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, loving your kids, and doing the best you can with what you have. And if that means chicken nuggets every night this week? You’re doing an amazing job.
About Dr. Anne Welsh. Dr. Welsh is a clinical psychologist, executive coach, and consultant. Dr. Welsh began her career at Harvard before taking her own step-back and opening her own practice with a focus on supporting working parents in growing their careers and families. She is an expert on the transition from working person to working parent, having dedicated her life to unraveling the interplay between career aspirations, personal fulfillment, and women’s mental health throughout the lifespan. She is certified in perinatal mental health, parental leave coaching, and Fair Play.
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