Discipline and Connection: Finding Your Balance as a New Mom
By Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner
Becoming a mother is one of the most rewarding (and sometimes overwhelming) experiences of your life. In those early days, you’re juggling so many things—like feeding, soothing, and of course, making sure your little one feels loved and safe. One of the most common concerns new moms face is how to discipline their child without feeling like they’re disconnecting from them. It’s easy to think that discipline means being strict or controlling, but it’s really about teaching, guiding, and setting a foundation for positive behavior—while still nurturing that deep, emotional bond between you and your child
It’s helpful to start by redefining what we mean by discipline and connection. Discipline isn’t about punishing or controlling—it’s about teaching your child what’s okay and what isn’t. It’s showing them how to navigate the world in a way that’s healthy and respectful. Connection, on the other hand, is the emotional bond that you build with your child. It’s that feeling of safety, trust, and love that forms the heart of your relationship. Both of these are equally important in raising a well-adjusted child.
If you’re feeling uncertain about how to find the balance between discipline and connection, you’re not alone. The truth is, it’s possible to create boundaries that help your child grow and thrive, while also ensuring they feel heard, loved, and understood. Let’s dive into how you can find that sweet spot. Here are five practical tools!
1. Connection First, Discipline Second
When it comes time to discipline, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that you have to “correct” your child’s behavior right away. But the truth is, connecting with them first can make a world of difference. When your child feels emotionally connected to you, they’re more likely to understand and respect the boundaries you set. Here are a few ways to nurture that connection in those challenging moments:
- Get on Their Level: It’s so simple, but getting down to your child’s level—literally bending down so you’re eye to eye—makes such a difference. It helps them feel seen, heard, and respected, and sets the stage for a more positive interaction.
- Show Empathy: Before jumping into what needs to change, take a moment to acknowledge your child’s feelings. For example, “I can see you’re frustrated because it’s time to go inside. I understand that’s hard.” This approach helps them feel like you’re in tune with what they’re experiencing and they are more likely to comply. We all like to feel seen and heard!
- Model the Behavior You Want to See: Children learn by watching us. If you want your child to be patient, kind, and respectful, make sure you’re showing those same qualities. They’re more likely to imitate your actions than follow instructions alone.
If you’re feeling uncertain about how to find the balance between discipline and connection, you’re not alone. The truth is, it’s possible to create boundaries that help your child grow and thrive, while also ensuring they feel heard, loved, and understood.
2. Boundaries Don’t Mean Disconnection
One of the biggest misconceptions about discipline is the opposite of connection. In reality, setting boundaries helps create a sense of security for your child. Children feel safer when they know what to expect, and they thrive in an environment where they feel both loved and guided. Here’s how you can set those boundaries with care:
- Be Clear, but Kind: When you set rules, make sure they’re simple and clear. For example, instead of saying, “Don’t do that!” try saying, “We don’t throw things because it can hurt others.” This keeps the focus on the behavior without making your child feel like they’re the problem.
- Stay Consistent: Consistency is key, but that doesn’t mean you need to be rigid. Children learn best when there are predictable routines and responses. But it’s okay to adjust your approach when the situation calls for it. Flexibility, within the boundaries, is important; perfection is not!
- Offer Choices: Whenever possible, give your child a choice. When you offer them some control over the situation, you’re teaching them how to make decisions while still adhering to the limits you’ve set. For example, “Would you like to finish playing with your toy or help me clean up?” Giving them some ownership can reduce resistance and promote cooperation.
3. Keeping Power Struggles at Bay
It’s natural for children to test boundaries, and when they do, it can sometimes lead to power struggles. As a new mom, it’s easy to feel like you need to “win” these battles, but the truth is, the goal isn’t to win—it’s to teach and guide. Here’s how you can approach those moments with patience and grace:
- Pick Your Battles: Everyone says this but what does it mean? You don’t need to discipline for every little thing. Some behaviors—like the occasional tantrum or resistance to a nap—are simply a part of development. Ask yourself if the behavior is really worth addressing in the moment. If it’s not a safety concern or a major issue, sometimes it’s okay to let it go. You are not “giving in” or “letting them win.” You are choosing!
- Stay Calm: Your response sets the tone. If you react with anger or frustration, your child might mirror that emotion. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and gently but firmly guide them. This approach not only helps de-escalate the situation but also shows your child how to handle strong emotions in a more positive way.
4. Celebrating the Small Wins
As a new mom, it’s easy to focus on the things that need work and worry about all the things, but it’s so important to celebrate the progress your child makes, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool for fostering connection and encouraging good behavior. Try praising your child for their efforts—not just the outcomes.
- Praise the Process, Not Just the Results: Not everything needs praise! Description and attention are very powerful! For example, instead of only saying, “Good job cleaning up,” try, “I love how carefully you put your toys away.” This teaches your child that their efforts and hard work matter, and it reinforces positive behavior.
- Celebrate Every Step: Whether it’s your toddler learning to share or your preschooler starting to follow instructions, every little step forward deserves recognition. These moments of celebration strengthen the emotional bond between you and your child.
5. Trust Yourself
This one is HUGE! Parenting doesn’t come with a rulebook, and there’s no one “right” way to do things. As a new mom, trust your intuition. You know your child better than anyone, and you’re doing an amazing job by trying to find a balance between discipline and connection. Parenting is a journey, and it’s okay to adjust as you go.
Conclusion
Discipline and connection don’t have to be at odds. When approached with empathy, patience, and kindness, they work together to create a strong, supportive foundation for your child’s growth. Remember, it’s not about perfection—it’s about showing up with love and consistency. You’ve got this, mama.
About the Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner. Dr. Dittner is a native of Upstate New York and graduated Binghamton University with Honors in Psychology. For the past 20 years, Dr. Dittner has provided comprehensive psychological assessments, therapeutic interventions, and support to children, adolescents and families. Her clinical expertise includes working with children and families navigating anxiety, ADHD, life transitions and chronic illness. She has specific expertise in parenting stress and helping parents navigate parenting through various developmental stages. Dr. Dittner’s approach to therapy is characterized by empathy, warmth, and a strong belief in the importance of connection and wellness. She focuses on alleviating stress and helping families to develop effective coping strategies, enhance their well-being, and navigate life’s challenges.
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