Combatting The Four Horsemen: Specific Types of Harmful Communication Behavior
By Erin Baute, PhD(c), MPH
What Are The Four Horsemen?
Effective communication is one of the biggest factors in successful relationships. But it’s more than just knowing the “right” way to talk with one another; it’s about truly understanding the personality cycles and patterns that impact how we connect.
Every relationship, whether romantic, familial, within work teams, or among friends, experiences familiar cycles—some of which can lead to unhelpful patterns and behaviors that make us feel stuck.
Did you know the factors that influence relationship failure have been proven to be predicted with a 93.4% accuracy?
This discovery is thanks to the work of Dr. John Gottman, a prominent relationship researcher and psychologist, who has spent over 4 decades studying what makes some relationships thrive and others struggle. His work at the Gottman Institute has provided groundbreaking insights into relationship dynamics, most notably through his concept of “The Four Horsemen.”:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
We must address our sense of internal safety first and break free from these unhealthy cycles in order to truly foster new methods of communication.
Doing the Work
Each of The Four Horsemen represents a specific type of harmful communication behavior.
Criticism involves attacking a person’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior, leading to feelings of personal inadequacy and resentment.
Contempt, which Gottman considers the most dangerous, combines criticism with a sense of superiority, often manifesting through sarcasm, name-calling, or mockery.
Defensiveness occurs when one person tries to protect themselves by shifting blame or making excuses, rather than taking responsibility for their role in the conflict. Finally,
Stonewalling is when one person withdraws entirely from the interaction, effectively shutting down communication and creating a barrier to resolution. While Dr. Gottman’s research focused on romantic partnerships, his findings have implications for all types of relationships.
These Four Horsemen are deeply ingrained communication behaviors that people develop over time, often as coping mechanisms, to feel safe or in control. When we’re not grounded in a sense of safety within ourselves, our communication behaviors tend to be reactive and self-protective – sometimes at the cost of others’ feelings, needs, or perspectives.
These behaviors can become reflexive, particularly when our personal insecurities or stressors are triggered. This keeps us locked in communication loops that are harmful to both ourselves and those around us.
The work, then, becomes not just learning new techniques to communicate, but understanding why we communicate in these ways to begin with. These behaviors often align with our personality and Enneagram type, which can give us insight into our specific triggers and stress responses.
When we work to identify and understand our stressors and triggers, we gain a sense of internal security that allows us to engage in relationships from a more grounded, less reactive place. This is why internal safety work is the essential first step: only from this place of self-awareness can we begin building true safety in our relationships with others.
Internal Sense of Safety
Imagine the power of two individuals, or a whole team, who each approach their relationships from a place of internal safety. When people feel secure within themselves, they are less likely to default to defensive behaviors like “The Four Horsemen.” Instead, they’re able to show up with a spirit of openness and genuine engagement.
Safety fosters connection, which in turn allows for the kind of communication that is meaningful, impactful, and authentic.
Yet like with most things in life, we think we can work backwards. We think, “If we just learn about communicating well, then we can shortcut the challenges we might face.” But, in reality, when we attempt to skip the inner work, we’re only reinforcing old, unhelpful communication behaviors.
Without examining our underlying motivations, we stay trapped in cycles of patterns that don’t truly serve us or those around us. We must address our sense of internal safety first and break free from these unhealthy cycles in order to truly foster new methods of communication.
When we do the work to recognize these patterns and address our internal sense of safety, we’re not just learning communication techniques, we’re transforming how we relate to others. We’re gaining the ability to listen without judgment, speak without fear, and connect without the need for defensiveness or control.
If you’re ready to change the way you communicate, the work begins with an exploration of your own internal world. By addressing The Four Horsemen, understanding your own Enneagram type, and doing the internal work to feel safe and grounded, you can develop healthier, more constructive ways of interacting. It’s not easy, and it takes time, but the rewards—a life filled with stronger, healthier, more connected relationships—are worth the journey.
If you are unsure of your Enneagram Type and want to know how it might be affecting your behaviors, get started using this Enneagram Self-Typing Starter Kit.
If you know your Enneagram Type and want to dive deeper into how it affects the motivations behind your behaviors, here are Living the Enneagram self-paced online Enneagram courses.
Erin Baute helps entrepreneurs, business owners, managers, and influential people find their way back from the personality burnout experienced when our coping strategies get overused and our intuition ignored. She is a skilled business coach and behavioral strategist with over 20 years of experience in behavior change and professional development with individuals and teams. Erin earned a bachelor’s degree in Human Development, Master of Public Health and is finishing her PhD in Organizational Psychology, with a focus on personal and professional development using personality as a framework.
Erin has been studying and using the Enneagram for almost 13 years. She is a Certified Enneagram Teacher and Trainer, and an Accredited Enneagram Professional from the International Enneagram Association.
She is working toward her Somatic Experiencing practitioner certification to help her clients make lasting body-based changes and improve her ability to help them find holistic coping strategies for who they are, today.
Instagram: @livingtheenneagram
YouTube: Living the Enneagram
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