How to Help Your Picky Eater
By Anna M. Lutz, MPH, RD, LDN, CEDRD-S
External Noise and the Advice that Matters
There is SO much information out there about the best way to help a child that is a picky or selective eater. You’ll hear advice on what to eat while breastfeeding or how and in what order to introduce solid foods. People (including me!), will dole out advice on what foods to have on the table and how to serve the foods — family style? plated? buffet? Some people will tell you about “no thank you bites,” or to not offer dessert unless the child tries a new food, or they will urge you to not pressure your child. But, what exactly is “pressure”? All of the advice out there is enough to make your head spin and enough to make a parent feel like it’s their fault if their child is picky.
It’s not your fault. And actually, the number 1 piece of advice to help a picky eater that is not said enough is to shift your expectations.
All of the advice out there is enough to make your head spin and enough to make a parent feel like it’s their fault if their child is picky....It’s not your fault.
Diet Culture's Impact
As diet culture has taken hold of parenting advice, we’ve seen more and more images on social media of what a child “should” eat – kale, sprouted bread, cucumbers shaped like stars…. These images that we view often are interpreted as: if I’m a good parent then my child needs to eat all of these things. These messages influence what we serve our children and what we expect our children to eat, thus influencing how we define “picky.” But the truth is, all children are not supposed to eat the same way and all children are not supposed to eat the way parenting books or social media tell us. We need to shift our expectations about our children’s eating.
How Can We Shift Our Expectations?
- See eating as a developmental task:
So often in my clinical work, a parent expresses a concern about their child’s picky eating and upon further assessment, the child is eating a variety of foods well within a typical range. Shifting our expectations may mean beginning to view eating as the developmental skill that it is. It takes time for a child to learn and grow before they become competent and independent at a developmental skill. As parents, we’re told this about so many other developmental tasks. However, when it comes to food, the message is that young children should already be eating a variety of foods. Instead, view eating as a developmental task that, as parents, we need to support over years. I’d venture to say over 18 or more years.
2. All children are different.
Children are not all supposed to eat the same way or the same things or expand their eating at the same rate. As parents, we’re told this about so many other developmental tasks. Each child develops at their own rate and in their own way. We know that, right? However, when it comes to food the message is that all children should eat a certain way. Most children eat in a way that reflects, on some level, their personality. A child that is more cautious about new situations, will probably be a more cautious eater. A child that loves new adventures, is probably an adventurous eater. You have the skills to support your child in their eating, just as you do in other areas of their life.
3. Feed your child your family’s foods.
The rise of the concepts of “clean eating” and cookie cutter definitions of “healthy eating,” is affecting what we serve and what we expect our children to eat. These messages so often do not include the cultural diversity of food in people’s homes and can make so many parents feel like their family’s foods are not okay to feed their children. These messages get in the way of remembering that an aspect of healthy eating is the joy and connections that happen around food and the memories that are created. Stop looking at narrow definitions of “healthy eating” to dictate what you “should” feed your child, and feed your child the foods you and your family enjoy preparing and eating. Those are the foods you want your child to grow up to enjoy. The love and care that goes into making the foods that you know and enjoy cooking, will support and be felt by the child that is learning to eat more foods.
Do you want support shifting your expectations?
Do you want concrete help to support your developing eater, whether they are picky, cautious, enthusiastic, adventuresome, or methodical? Or maybe you’d like support in making food more simple in your home and not let diet culture get in the way of feeding your family?
Check out Sunny Side Up Nutrition’s new course Anti Diet Parenting: A No Pressure Formula to Feeding Your Family and Raising Confident Eaters to support you in feeding your family.
About Anna M. Lutz, MPH, RD, LDN,CEDRD-S.
Anna (she/her) specializes in eating disorders and pediatric/family nutrition at Lutz, Alexander, & Associates Nutrition Therapy. Anna writes and talks about pediatric nutrition and family feeding on her blog and podcast Sunny Side Up Nutrition. Visit her or any of the registered Dietitians at the practice for 1:1 weight-inclusive nutrition therapy, family feeding consultations, and nutrition groups in Raleigh, RTP, and Chapel Hill or meet virtually.
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