Managing Stress and Maintaining Sanity While Parenting
By Kelly Smedley, MSN, PMHCNS-BC
When I got pregnant with my first child twenty years ago, I walked around in bliss, dreaming of baby cuddles and coos. I had this vision of being the perfect parent – full of energy, patience, and creativity. Apparently I needed my vision checked because the reality was that having a baby was NOT this euphoric experience. In fact it was quite the opposite thanks to postpartum anxiety and depression. That has long since resolved thankfully, but parenting these past twenty years has been such a mixed bag – yes it’s rewarding and we love our kids, but it’s also been more challenging than I could have imagined. Having kids has tested me and made me question myself more times than I could count. Never have I felt so guilty! Never have I felt so overwhelmed! Never have I felt so stressed! And I have never doubted my abilities more than I have as a parent.
Before I jump into explaining what has helped me with this parenting insanity, let me tell you a little bit about myself. You want to make sure what you read is from a credible source right? I understand. So, I have four living children (ages 19, 17, 14, and 9) and one child who is in heaven and forever 3 months old. I have four biological children and one adopted child. I am also a Board Certified Psychiatric Clinical Nurse Specialist with over 25 years of experience in the mental health field (yup, getting old!). I’m also a Certified Perinatal Mental Health Professional. I have seen hundreds of women over the years in my practice who also have struggled to maintain their sanity while parenting. So here are some tips and tricks to help bring a little more calm to your chaotic life.
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First, you may ask yourself WHY you are so stressed. Welp, there are a ton of reasons why parents are struggling. Work demands, finances, conflict or poor communication with your partner are pretty common. We also live in a society that places a ton of demands on parents which is compounded by social media pressures to do everything “right”. Another source of stress is having unrealistic or unreasonable expectations of our children and/or our partner. We also have unrealistic expectations of OURSELVES. Add on behavioral/emotional/academic struggles, family conflict, medical problems, your own aging parents….the list goes on and on.
But WAIT! All is not lost! You are not destined to a life filled with angst and stress. Yes, life has its ups and downs but with practice, some intentionality, and some changes you can lead a more enjoyable and fulfilling life and also be more like the parent you envisioned yourself to be back when having kids was just a dream.
So, what can you do? Here are some basic strategies to get you started on a path to contentment. I only wish someone had told me these things years ago as I would not have put so much pressure on myself and I would likely have enjoyed parenting a whole lot more.
You are not destined to a life filled with angst and stress. Yes, life has its ups and downs but with practice, some intentionality, and some changes you can lead a more enjoyable and fulfilling life and also be more like the parent you envisioned yourself to be back when having kids was just a dream.
Establish Healthy Relationships
If you have a partner, it’s so easy to get caught up in the daily grind and lose connection. It’s important to set positive habits early and often – including weekly check-ins, creating opportunities for fun and connection, having household “business” meetings to discuss logistics and issues as they arise.
Be vulnerable with your partner and fight fairly. Be open to feedback and learn and practice positive communication skills even when you are mad, tired, and frustrated. Read Gottman’s 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work. Trust me. Learn and work with (instead of against) your partner’s personality type.
Adjust Expectations
Do you ever wonder if you are expecting more of yourself than you would your best friend? If the answer is yes, then you need to cut yourself more slack. Make sure you are setting reasonable and appropriate expectations of yourself and your partner. Additionally, make sure you are setting age appropriate expectations for your child. A lot of frustration can be saved if we meet our kids where they are developmentally and emotionally. Too often parents expect their kids to process and function like mini-adults. This isn’t fair to either of you and just creates conflict.
Show up as human and imperfect. Own your mistakes and learn from them. Ask for and accept help.
Practice Self Care
Determine what self care means to you. For me, it’s running, exercise, and time with friends. For others it might be reading or meditating. Incorporate self care into your daily routine and be intentional about it like you are purposeful about brushing your teeth. Prioritizing yourself not only helps you recharge but it’s modeling good habits to your children. Don’t want to be spending five nights a week shuttling your kid to soccer practice? Then sign your kid up for rec soccer instead. It’s okay to say no and to set boundaries for yourself and your family, even if that means not going to a family function or missing out on Johnny’s party at the trampoline park.
Eat well and exercise regularly. YOU get to decide how you fuel your mind and body and when your body and mind feel good you are showing your children how to care for their whole self.
Teach and Practice Distress Tolerance
Life sure can catch you off guard sometimes. However, if you realize that tough times are simply a fact of life, you are better able to navigate them. Lean into periods of stress and turmoil by reminding yourself that you can do hard things. Use positive coping strategies when feeling overwhelmed and upset. Avoid catastrophic thinking about things outside of your control. Avoid “rescuing” your child from tough feelings or situations. Teaching your child resilience and how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings will serve both you and your child better in the long run. The sooner you are able to regulate your emotions you will find problems are more manageable and your confidence in yourself improves.
Don’t Compare
The sooner you realize that no one has parenting/life/relationships all figured out the better you will feel. Everyone is struggling in some way and what matters most is that you embrace who you are, imperfections and all, to be the best version of yourself. When you are fulfilled as a human, you are a better parent and will enjoy parenting in a more meaningful way. You will get through the tough times more smoothly when your baseline is not stressed, frazzled, or feeling like a failure. Recognize the things you are doing right (there are SO many things!) to take the focus off what you feel you are doing wrong.
While this certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, if you practice even a few of these suggestions you will likely notice an overall improvement in how you feel in your daily life. This parenting gig is so hard but with some effort and intentionality, it can be calmer, more rewarding and enjoyable for not only you but your whole family.
Kelly Smedley, MSN, PMHCNS-BC, is the Founder of Waypoint Counseling & Maternal Wellness, PLLC. Waypoint Counseling & Maternal Wellness, PLLC’s mission is to promote the mental health of mothers and women through counseling, treatment and education. Their providers share the same passion: to help women feel their best.
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