Self Care for Moms Who Have No Time
By Kristin Baker, PCC
Let me start by saying that every time I read the title of this article, I giggle. We really don’t have time!
I’m Kristin Baker, and I’m an executive coach, as well as a co-founder of a startup called LUMO, whose mission is to help companies support and retain their working parents. I’ve been a coach for about eight years, supporting working mothers (see: ALL mothers) to create space for more joy, fun and well-being in their lives. If this sounds unattainable, it’s time for us to talk.
I live in Durham with my husband Ben and our daughter Avery, and our very anxious and sweet pup, Mila.
When Moms Win, Everybody Wins
I wanted to write this piece because I have a deep, long-lasting passion for seeing moms win. Here’s why…
I know that when moms win, everybody wins. We are powerful forces in our families, and that force can be for good or evil. Don’t tell me you don’t know what I mean!
When I’m good, I’m rested, I’ve gotten my workout or a girls night or a nap, I’ve got room for my people. They can hug me or tackle me or need things from me or lick me (in Mila’s case) and I don’t feel exhausted, or annoyed, or like I’m going to lose my mind. My well-being makes a huge difference to the well-being of my family.
I think society puts a lot of emphasis on moms putting our families first. I know that’s definitely what I thought I was supposed to do when my daughter was born.
Like many of us, I was a working mom with no family support nearby, so I self-sacrificed like mad – my workouts fell away, I was always up at night with the baby, I rarely went out with friends; I tried (unsuccessfully, mostly) to cook and clean. I wanted to give everything I had to my family – and I did, actually – but instead of it making me feel happy and fulfilled, I felt angry. And resentful. And exhausted.
What made the difference for me was coaching. My coach suggested that maybe I couldn’t pour from an empty cup. She suggested I try getting my needs met, maybe putting myself first for a change.
I remember my reaction to this as clear as day. I was furious. The thought of putting myself before my family was so triggering that I wanted to exit that conversation immediately. I thought putting my family first was how to show them love!
The reason so many of us stop and start when it comes to creating new habits is because we have an all or nothing mentality about them. We plan to work out at least three times a week for an hour, and when we only do it once, we feel like we’ve failed.
Transformation By Setting the Bar Really Low
It turns out that my self-sacrificing was a bit misguided. After I simmered down a little, I decided to take my coach up on her suggestion. I began to take care of myself in the smallest ways.
I would use the bathroom before I got Avery a snack. I’d buy myself lunch instead of munching on a granola bar. I’d listen to a three minute meditation, or sit down for five minutes before I cleaned up the kitchen or folded the laundry.
Surprisingly, doing all these little things…making these tiny, incremental changes…completely transformed my life.
There’s actually research behind this phenomenon of micro actions. Duke Corporate Education reports that, “Getting better by just 1% consistently can build tremendous improvements, and over time can make a big difference to our success. It’s called the principle of ‘aggregate marginal gains’, and is the idea that if you improve by just 1% consistently, those small gains will add up to remarkable improvement.”
The reason so many of us stop and start when it comes to creating new habits is because we have an all or nothing mentality about them. We plan to work out at least three times a week for an hour, and when we only do it once, we feel like we’ve failed.
The trick is to set the bar really low. This, of course, is counterintuitive to everything we’ve been taught. We think we need to shoot for the stars so that we’ll at least make it halfway to the moon. We fear that lowering our expectations will make us lazy, or that in doing so, we’ll let ourselves off the hook. It’s not true.
Start micro, count *every* tiny success as a win (one ten minute workout per week is more than no workouts at all!) and focus on what you CAN do. Even if it feels like nothing, do it anyway. It’s about showing up for yourself, and believe me, your Self will notice even the smallest little things.
Moms deserve rest, y’all. And not just rest – fun! Friends! Alone time! We’re whole people, and we don’t just exist to make snacks and wipe…stuff. We have needs, we have desires, and they matter.
A List of Micro Actions
I’ll leave you with this – a list of micro actions I created for a super famous Instagram mom that probably all of you know. No I will not name drop, and yes I just flexed.
Pick a few micro actions that resonate with you, and play with them this week. Once they get integrated, add three more. Create your own. Share with your friends.
I was terrified that putting myself first would come at the expense of my family, but the opposite happened. As it turns out, pouring into my cup made it overflow into everyone else’s. It transformed my life.
Micro Actions to Support your Well-being
- A meditation, in five minutes or less
- Ten minute workout (there are tons of short ones online!)
- Dance party. Just one song
- Walk around the block
- Lie on the floor for a few minutes
- Stay under the shower for one extra minute, enjoying the warmth
- Close your eyes for ten seconds between calls or meetings
- Step outside for five minutes in the middle of your day
- Observe nature intentionally
- Practice gratitude with your friends or family at dinner
- Pick a word to be your intention for the day
- Get an extra hug on purpose
- Spend a few minutes with your pet(s) or plant(s)
- Practice looking at your child in the eyes when they’re talking to you
- Take three deep breaths
- Take one deep breath!
- Keep your yoga mat unrolled near your desk. Sneak a few poses between emails
- Start your day purposefully, end your day purposefully
- Mark your transitions intentionally with rituals – before leaving the office, or to go pick up your kiddo, sit in silence for a minute or two; or watch a short standup comedy show; listen to music, do what you need.
- Get a Five Minute Journal to open and close your day.
Kristin Baker is a Professionally Certified Coach (PCC) partnering with working moms to create lives filled with fun, fulfillment and ease. She is also co-founder of a startup called LUMO, whose mission is to help companies support and retain their working parents. Her specialties include establishing boundaries, dismantling overwhelm, and reconnecting with the highest and best parts of ourselves and so we can live in alignment with our values and purpose.
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