The Exhaustion of Grief
So, here I am feeling exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally as well. It pains me to know there are so many women who face similar experiences.
By Ashely Seto
Content Warning: Miscarriage is discussed in this post.
Today is an exhausting day.
I’m sharing why I’m so worn in the hopes that others may know they are not alone.
My son is both our rainbow baby and an IVF baby.
We were so blessed to get him on the first round of IVF. Most people get a bunch of embryos from an IVF process. We did not.
We had only two embryos. One was used for my son and one was stored for later.
About four months ago we tried to get pregnant again with that last embryo.
It didn’t take.
I was disappointed but knew this was a highly likely scenario. I was even sadder when I realized I could not do another IVF round because of the pandemic. All non-life-saving surgeries are on hold.
Two months ago, my husband and I were elated to find out we were pregnant (naturally).
In the first few weeks, I felt cautious. I tried not to get excited. I tried not to feel too happy. I also felt such sorrow as I watched people dying all over the world from a global pandemic and I knew that this pregnancy could too.
As the week turned into weeks, I began to feel like I had a secret joy bubbling inside of me. I took way too many pregnancy tests to make sure everything was still alright. I couldn’t hold it in and we were cautiously excited.
July 1st was the ultrasound day. I was so excited to see the heartbeat. However, when we got to the office they had to call the doctor into the ultrasound room, which felt a bit odd to me.
There was no heartbeat and there was a large cyst growing in the pregnancy.
I was devastated. I still am.
But I needed to buck up and make a decision. There was a possibility if I did nothing it could cause me great harm. The words necrotic tissue never sound good.
So we chose to use medical intervention to miscarry. I hope no one who wants a baby ever has to make this choice, but I chose not to do surgery.
Last night I was in the ER because the miscarriage had complications. I was bleeding a lot. At one point in the evening my blood pressure even caused alarm for the ER nurse. At around 2 am I had an emergency D&C and by 4 am I was back home.
So, here I am feeling exhausted. Not just physically but emotionally as well. It pains me to know there are so many women who face similar experiences. Approximately 25% of pregnancies are lost. It sucks.
I have cried so much. I have made really bad jokes to cope. I have talked with others who have experienced this pain as well. I grieved the loss of my child but I also had to grieve the loss of my excitement, joy, and extra secret happiness.
Thankfully, I am blessed with an amazing support group. That includes my parents who dropped what they were doing to come and help. I’m blessed to have an amazing OBGYN who told me all the facts, let me decide, and empowered me to make good decisions at each step along the way.
I was devastated. I still am.
I still have hope for another child. I have an amazing husband who is standing by my side always looking out for me (even when I find ways to make his life difficult).
I know some will tell me to try and only see the happy parts but that doesn’t seem real to me.
I WANT TO SEE IT ALL. This is probably going to be a crappy section of the book called my life. I made it through this rough time not alone, but because of others.
I’m very grateful but also very exhausted. My feelings are not black and white and probably won’t be for a while, but that’s okay.
And if you feel any part of these feelings, please know that’s okay too.
Ashley Seto
Ashely is mom to a 2 1/2 year old boy.
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