I recently viewed an episode of the Today Show where they examined the habit that women have of apologizing too much. The show cited the research that women apologize more than men and that we often apologize for things we haven’t even done yet.
Check out the episode here: https://www.today.com/video/do-women-over-apologize-inside-the-sorry-debate-174489157833
I was excited to see this concept touched upon in the news. In my work as a licensed clinician, I specialize in working with women who are experiencing anxiety and depression symptoms. I often experience this within sessions and examine it with my clients. Women will frequently apologize for having feelings or for the actions of others. Have you ever found yourself doing that? I know I have.
For many of us, saying sorry or being apologetic was taught to us as a sign of good manners. Oftentimes, women are encouraged to be empathetic and apologetic. Being raised in a religious household can also encourage being overly apologetic.
Being apologetic is not necessarily a bad thing. However, being overly apologetic and minimizing yourself and your own wellbeing.
Assertive communication is when a person advocates for their own needs when communicating while also being aware of the needs of others. Assertive communication allows for self expression without being passive aggressive or belittling yourself.
- Nicole Wallace
I encourage my clients to examine their intent before apologizing. We use these processing questions listed below:
Secondly, I introduce assertive communication. Assertive communication is when a person advocates for their own needs when communicating while also being aware of the needs of others. Assertive communication allows for self expression without being passive aggressive or belittling yourself.
These are the strategies to introduce assertive communication:
Practice first in a neutral environment such as a home or when you are out doing errands. This type of practice takes the pressure off being judged or feeling panicked about coming up with the correct wording.
If you have children, I would even encourage you to include them in the process. Make a game out of the activity. By challenging each other to rephrase statements when you catch someone in the house apologizing for something they didn’t do or for having a feeling. If they can reframe the statement on the spot, give lots of hugs and high fives.
Be sure to give yourself lots of self compassion as you work on this skill of changing from being overly apologetic to more assertive in your speech. It takes time to make changes in our lives and how we present ourselves.
If you feel that you have been overly apologetic in your relationships and that it has affected your self-esteem or self worth, it might be helpful to speak with a professional. Working with a licensed therapist or life coach can help.
Nicole is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor with over 20 years experience helping adults and children with overcoming trauma, managing life transitions, and developing coping skills. Nicole specializes in helping women heal from anxiety, depression, trauma, and life transitions. Women are often consumed with providing care to others and sometimes we don’t slow down to address our own needs. She provides a caring, non-judgmental therapeutic environment within her practice with the intention to help women process any past trauma and begin to prioritize their own needs. Nicole is certified in the use of Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Trauma Focused – Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Cognitive Behavior Therapy teaches an individual to recognize the connection between thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Nicole is founder of Transformation Counseling and Consulting, PLLC.
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