Do you feel totally stressed out when your child is having a meltdown, you are not alone. If that’s the case, meltdowns can be one of the hardest parts of parenting. But it doesn’t have to be that way. And in today’s video, I want to help you understand exactly what your job is when your child is having a meltdown.
Because I think a lot of times we can feel like we’re just throwing things at the wall to see what sticks. And that can feel really stressful. But if we know exactly what we’re supposed to be doing and what we’re not supposed to be doing, or what we don’t need to worry about meltdowns can feel so much less stressful.
Hi, I’m Dr. Hilary Mandzik, Clinical Psychologist, Parenting Specialist and mom of three and my goal is to help you feel less stress and more joy when it comes to parenting.
You really have two jobs. And that's it. So all of the other things you might be trying to do like trying to get your child to calm down, trying to get your child to feel happy again, trying to get your child to stop crying, trying to get your child to understand logic, none of that matters.
- Dr. Hilary Mandzik
So let’s talk about meltdowns. meltdowns happen when your child is completely overwhelmed by emotion. So it’s different than a tantrum in that a tantrum is focused on one specific thing like when your child doesn’t get the extra cookie that they want it now, sometimes a tantrum can become a meltdown.
So let me share a metaphor to help make this all a little more clear. Imagine that your child is carrying around an invisible water pitcher. And so with each stressor from their day, like holding it together at school, while they learn new things all day, or not getting something that they want it or dealing with jealousy over a sibling having a toy that they wanted, or being told no or being away from you. That’s a stressful thing for a child.
So these are normal, everyday stressors, and they build up and they build up and they build up in your child’s water pitcher, a little bit of water gets poured into that pitcher for each stressor your child bases.
Now, ideally, kids are releasing their emotions regularly crying or expressing that they didn’t like something or sometimes not in great ways like hitting, kicking or screaming. But ideally, our kids are pouring a little bit of water back out of that picture every so often to keep the level of water manageable.
But sometimes, especially after our kids have been at school or daycare all day and holding it together, because they’re not with you, they’re safe attachment figure, they will sometimes fill that water pitcher all the way to the tippy top, and they get to the point where some water just has to spill out. And so something happens that is the last straw, right, the straw that broke the camel’s back for that water pitcher just spills over in the form of a meltdown.
And so your child might start out being upset about not getting the cookie that they asked for. But that was just the last straw, really what’s happening is your child is getting to the point where they can’t hold any more water in that picture. And some of it inevitably has to spill out in the form of a meltdown.
And you’ll know the difference because a meltdown is complete emotional dysregulation, whereas a tantrum is usually encapsulated to that one thing. And so when you either give your child the extra cookie or tell them oh, you really wanted the cookie, I really get that usually they will move on after they express what they needed to around that one thing. But a meltdown is a little different. A meltdown is a whole lot of emotion coming out at once. And it’s not really about any one thing again, it’s just that water pitcher completely overflowing.
So now let’s say your child is having a meltdown, let’s say your child comes home from school and you say no to the extra piece of candy, and then your child completely falls apart. They’ve been holding it together all day long, learning new things engaging with peers, and it all just gets to be too much. And they need to spill some water out of their picture with their safe caregiver. Now, none of this is conscious or premeditated. But this is how our kids brains work.
So let’s say that your child is having a meltdown, they’re crying, screaming, kicking, they’re throwing themselves on the floor completely dysregulated. What is your job as their mom in that moment? I’m going to simplify this for you.
Okay, you really have two jobs. And that’s it. So all of the other things you might be trying to do like trying to get your child to calm down, trying to get your child to feel happy, again, trying to get your child to stop crying, trying to get your child to understand logic, none of that matters.
In fact, the logical part of your child’s brain is totally offline during a meltdown. So you’re not going to have much luck getting through to them with reasoning. So you can let all of that go, here are your only two jobs when your child is having a meltdown.
One, keep your child and everybody around them safe. So this means that if your child is hitting or kicking, you’re going to stop them. You’re going to hold their hand and say I can’t let you hit, I’m gonna help you stop. Or sometimes you might need to take them to a calmer, less stimulating environment. So you’re gonna keep your child safe, you’re gonna keep yourself safe, and you’re gonna keep everybody else around them safe as well. You’re gonna make sure your child’s not throwing things or destroying toys. You’re gonna make sure that they are physically safe. That’s your first job.
And your second job is to welcome the feelings. It is not your job to get the feelings to stop. You don’t have to get your child to calm down. You don’t have to get them back to happy. Literally your only other job is to welcome the feelings.
Welcoming, the feelings might look like “you’re really upset right now.” Or “this really didn’t go the way you wanted it to go “or “something about right now really doesn’t feel right.”
But because your child’s logical part of their brain is offline right now sometimes even validating words are too much. So in that case, welcoming the feelings just looks like your empathic presence, your calm and regulated nervous system, taking deep breaths if you need to, to stay calm, keeping your child safe and letting them know that you are there even without words.
Just having that calm, empathic, regulating presence. And that’s it.
That’s all you have to do when your child is having a meltdown. This too shall pass, your child will calm down eventually, especially with something called co regulation, which is where you are present with your child with your regulated nervous system as they move through their feelings.
Again, the goal is not to get the feelings to stop, but imagine you’ve got a flashlight and you’re just kind of guiding them through the dark to the other side of this big emotional outpouring.
So that’s it, you can let go of all the other things you might have been trying to do when your child is having a meltdown. And rest assured that meltdowns are normal. They don’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or your child.
Now, that being said, meltdowns should be happening less frequently over time. And if that’s not happening, I am here to help you. You can email me at drhilary@raisedresilient.com. That’s drhilary@raisedresilient.com. And I would be happy to talk to you more about how I can help you get to a point where those meltdowns are happening less frequently over time.
So I hope this is helpful. And just remember you’ve got this.
Dr. Hilary Mandzik is a licensed psychologist and mom of three who’s passionate about supporting parents. She’s actively working to change the narrative around parenting and to help parents break unhelpful generational cycles so they can parent in a way that TRULY feels good – for them and for their kids.
She has a private therapy practice where she specializes in perinatal mental health as well as an online parenting support business, where she creates content and offers online programs to support parents in raising resilient, confident kids with less stress (and more joy!). She’s also the host of the parent-loved podcast Raised Resilient with Dr. Hilary.
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