Back to School at Every Stage
By Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner, PhD
When I reflect back on going “back to school” as a kid, there were so many different stages. I have vivid memories of new sneakers, back to school clothes, a Trapper Keeper and new pens (I still love school supplies)! But as a parent, I have realized that back to school means so many different things – and I have navigated ALL those stages with my boys as well as helped parents navigate these transitions in my practice.
The back to school feeling is totally different as a parent. What I realize is that this time is a shift for the whole family.
No matter the age — whether your little one is heading into preschool or you’re dropping your teen off at college — this season is filled with big feelings. Excitement and nervousness can show up together (sometimes in the same minute). And as parents, we’re adjusting right alongside them AND managing our OWN feelings. As a parent, you may feel relief that there is finally some structure. You may feel grief that the slow days of summer are ending or anxiety that you didn’t “do enough.” You may feel annoyed about the return of extra daily chores (hello, lunch boxes).
For you and your child, ALL feelings are normal and expected and can be lived all at once.
Here’s what I’ve learned — personally and professionally — about helping our kids (and ourselves) move into a new school year with connection at the center.
Preschool & Kindergarten – The First Hellos and Goodbyes
This is the “firsts” season — first backpacks, first teachers, first real goodbyes.
You might see tears (theirs or yours) at drop-off. That’s not a sign something’s wrong, it means it’s something new and it’s hard and they will miss you.
Create a simple goodbye ritual and stick to it — a hug, high-five, or a whispered “See you after snack time.”
- Let them know what their day will look like in simple, confident language.
- When they say they’ll miss you, you can say: “It’s okay to miss me. You can miss me and have a great day,” and “I will miss you too and can’t wait to see you soon!”
- And remember: your calm, steady presence in the morning sets the tone. Don’t offer too many reassurances; show them the confidence you have in them!
Back to school is a season, not a day of the week. There’s no rush to have it all figured out.
Elementary School – Curiosity, Confidence, and Big Kid Skills
These years are full of new skills, new friendships, and the start of real independence.
- Ask questions that open the door: “What made you laugh today?” or “what did you do in centers?” instead of “How was school?”
- Give them small jobs they can own — packing their snack, setting out their clothes. Independence builds confidence.
- Create an after-school ritual to help them recover from their day – their brain is doing a LOT of new work (both socially and academically).
- Talk about friendship ups and downs as a normal part of growing up.
- Keep space for play — it’s not just “extra,” it’s how kids process their world and necessary for their nervous systems and regulation.
Middle School – Independence with a Soft Place to Land
Middle school is… a lot. Bodies, moods, friendships, identity, and academics are all shifting at once.
- Lead with curiosity, not judgment. If they share something surprising, try: “Tell me more about that.” If you want them to keep talking, LISTEN.
- Respect their need for privacy but check in daily. Knock on the door, but still be present.
- Expect mood swings — normalize them, but hold steady boundaries (e.g., “Seems like now is not a good time; I’ll be here when you are ready”). Remember, not every snappy comment is disrespect or a sign of a behavioral problem and calls for punishment. They are likely stressed from the day and you are their safe place.
- Encourage them to try new things — a club, a sport, a new skill — as a healthy way to explore who they are. Let them take the lead with their interests.
High School – Coaching More, Directing Less
The high school years are about preparing for what comes next and even more independence — and that means stepping back while staying close.
- Shift from telling to asking: “What’s your plan for…” instead of handing them the plan.
- Talk openly about sleep, stress, and coping strategies and especially those uncomfortable topics (vaping, sex, drugs, alcohol).
- Keep your connection rituals — family dinners, coffee runs, or watching a favorite show together — even when life gets busy. Think small moments of connection – the best moments are usually in the car (before they can drive)!
- Be available when the timing is inconvenient. They are on their own schedule and may want to talk at 9pm (even when you are tired).
- Create a space for friends and gatherings – as overwhelming as it can be, you want to be the place where they hang out.
College Transition – Letting Go Without Losing Connection
Whether they’re moving across the country or commuting from home, this is a big change for both of you.
- Offer your help, but don’t rush in to fix every problem.
- Send encouragement without expecting instant replies. They are busy building their new life – and that is a good thing (you prepared them for 18 years for this)!
- Keep building your own life — modeling adaptability is one of the best gifts you can give them and shows that YOU are not worried (instilling confidence in them).
- Allow yourself to feel it all: pride, excitement, and yes, the grief of this chapter closing.
For Parents at Any Stage
- Find your people — parenting is lighter when you have an outlet for support and validation.
- Flexibility is your friend. Some mornings will be smooth; others will be chaos (with another chance to start over the very next day).
- Connection over perfection, always. What your kids will remember isn’t how perfect the lunch was, but they will always remember their relationship with you!
Back to school is a season, not a day of the week. There’s no rush to have it all figured out. Take the moments as they come, celebrate the small wins, and remind yourself — the relationship you’re building with your child is what truly carries them through at ANY stage.
About the Dr. Carrie Anne Dittner, PhD. Dr. Dittner is the Founder of Peak City Psychology. She is a native of Upstate New York and graduated Binghamton University with Honors in Psychology. For the past 20 years, Dr. Dittner has provided comprehensive psychological assessments, therapeutic interventions, and support to children, adolescents and families. Her clinical expertise includes working with children and families navigating anxiety, ADHD, life transitions and chronic illness. She has specific expertise in parenting stress and helping parents navigate parenting through various developmental stages.
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