Don’t Forget the Joy
What We Are Missing When We Talk About Motherhood These Days
By Dr. Anne Welsh
When I first became a mother, I was caught off guard by how hard it was. I had studied the transition to motherhood as a researcher. I had been babysitting and nannying most of my life. I thought it would be exhausting sure (I knew about the sleepless nights), but I didn’t realize how emotionally challenging it would be. I was overwhelmed, lonely, and struggled. Instead of basking in the glow of this new life, I was barely holding it together. Everytime someone smiled and told me to “enjoy it while I can” I cringed, feeling like a total failure.
I made it through that first year, and came to recognize that struggling was part of it- that feeling overwhelmed did NOT make me a bad mom, and that parenting was just hard. I was the first in my group of friends to have a baby, and after my own experience, I made sure to tell them all when they had kids:
“There will be times when you are crying, the baby is crying, and maybe your partner is crying. You’ll wonder if you just aren’t cut out for this, or you’ll feel like a failure. That’s okay- you aren’t a failure. It’s hard because it’s hard- not because you are doing something wrong. And when you are in that moment, call me.”
Back then, few people were talking about the struggles of new motherhood. Most of the cultural narrative was about how “blessed” and “beautiful” it was. So when I felt overwhelmed and unsure, I also felt ashamed. Was I the only one not cut out for this? It’s why I’ve spent so much of my professional life creating space for honest conversations about the complexity of motherhood.
We’ve come a long way since then. Now, we do talk more openly about maternal mental health, about burnout, about the invisible labor that mothers often carry alone.
But lately, I’ve noticed something else missing: the joy.
In our well-earned quest to validate the hard, we sometimes forget to honor the good. The tiny sparks of connection. The laughter at bedtime. The way your kid looks at you when you show up for their school play, even if you were five minutes late and forgot the snacks. And even with my older kids- I had no idea how much a spontaneous hug from my teenager can light my heart on fire.
But lately, I’ve noticed something else missing: the joy. In our well-earned quest to validate the hard, we sometimes forget to honor the good.
Why Joy Matters in the Motherhood Conversation
When we only talk about motherhood as a grind, we risk two things.
First, we paint an incomplete picture. The women I work with are ambitious, thoughtful, deeply loving mothers. They don’t just feel overwhelmed. They also feel awe. Pride. Meaning. And yes, joy. Sometimes it’s in the big moments like watching a child overcome a challenge. But often, it’s in the small, mundane ones: laughing in the car, brushing hair, dancing in the kitchen.
Second, we unintentionally send the message that if you do feel joy, you’re either doing it wrong or somehow betraying the truth of how hard it is. But joy doesn’t cancel out struggle. It can sit alongside it.
You can feel exhausted and grateful.
You can want time alone and also miss your kid’s tiny hand in yours.
You can crave a break and still feel incredibly lucky to be someone’s parent.
This is the nuance I try to bring into my coaching and my conversations: two things can be true. And when we make space for joy, even in fleeting moments, it doesn’t erase the hard—it softens it.
So how do we cultivate more of that? How do we learn to sit with the joy? Let’s look at the science.
The Science of Joy
Positive psychology researchers have long studied the effects of gratitude and savoring—two skills closely tied to joy. And the data is compelling.
Savoring even small, positive moments has been shown to increase well-being, lower depression, and improve resilience. Just a breath of noticing can lead to more positive emotions. In addition, gratitude practices are associated with better sleep, more optimistic thinking, and stronger relationships. WIth motherhood, sometimes all we have is a moment, but we can make sure we get a chance to take that moment in and be present.
Another frame comes from looking at the “gap vs. the gain.” In their book of the same title, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy argue that much of our unhappiness comes from measuring ourselves against the “gap,” or the distance between where we are and where we wish we were. Yet fulfillment comes from the “gain,” or looking at how far we’ve come.
This is especially relevant for mothers. When our days are full of to-dos, comparison traps, and the pressure to be everything to everyone, it’s easy to focus on what’s missing or undone. But we often overlook the gain or how much we’re learning, how much our kids are growing, how we’re showing up even when it’s hard.
Two Ways to Reconnect with Joy in Motherhood
- The “Three Moments” Practice
At the end of each day, jot down three small, joyful moments you noticed. Not big milestones, just something that made you smile, pause, or feel connected. A look. A laugh. A shared joke. Over time, this rewires your brain to notice and appreciate these moments in real time.
- From “Gap” to “Gain” Reflection
Think about where you were a year ago as a parent. What’s different now? What have you learned? How has your relationship with your child evolved? Shifting from what’s lacking to what’s grown allows joy to surface, and helps you see your own progress.
A Final Thought
Motherhood is not one thing. It’s not just a joy. And it’s not just a struggle. It’s a constantly shifting landscape, where both can, and do, exist together.
So as we continue these critical conversations about the challenges mothers face, let’s not forget to name the beauty, too. Let’s honor the joy.
Parenting is heartbreaking and beautiful. And both help us grow.
About Dr. Anne Welsh. Dr. Welsh is a clinical psychologist, executive coach, and consultant. Dr. Welsh began her career at Harvard before taking her own step-back and opening her own practice with a focus on supporting working parents in growing their careers and families. She is an expert on the transition from working person to working parent, having dedicated her life to unraveling the interplay between career aspirations, personal fulfillment, and women’s mental health throughout the lifespan. She is certified in perinatal mental health, parental leave coaching, and Fair Play.
She is a mother of 4 and draws on her own experience as a mother, her research career in the transition to motherhood, and her 15 years in practice to help parents feel less alone, more connected to themselves and their values, and more empowered to make their own choices.
Spread the word
Medical Disclaimer: All content found on the HER Health Collective Website was created for informational purposes only and are the opinions of the HER Health Collective experts and professional contributors. The Content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health providers with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this Website. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor, go to the emergency department, or call 911 immediately.
