Building Boundaries That Help You Thrive
By Megan Davis, LCSW, PMH-C
While the topic of boundaries might sound redundant, it’s still something that frequently comes up in my sessions with clients, conversations with friends, and discussions with family. Why? Because many of us didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled in our families and as women we are often conditioned to be selfless and self-sacrificing.
So let’s shake it up a bit and talk about boundaries in a way that might be a bit more relatable. I use a lot of metaphors in therapy for this exact reason, sometimes it just lands differently.
Many of us didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled in our families and as women we are often conditioned to be selfless and self-sacrificing.
Boundaries Reframe
Imagine that your life – your family, health, emotional wellness, and all – are a garden.
You’ve spent hours weeding, tilling the soil, planting and watering it as well as watching the plants in your garden grow. What you grow in the garden is reflective of what’s important to you and your wellbeing – it might look different from your neighbor’s garden, yet that’s what makes it even more special.
Next, imagine that you wake up the next morning, grab your coffee and head out to check on your garden only to find it has been trampled, pilfered, and left a complete mess. You are absolutely heartbroken. Eventually that sadness turns into resentment that simmers and leads you to design a towering stone wall to keep out whatever ransacked your garden. This wall certainly might work, but over time it blocks sun from entering your garden and all of the effort spent keeping trespassers out means you don’t have much energy left for the garden. Not to mention it’s a bit lonely and isolating – what’s the point of a garden if you can’t share it with anyone?
Another option is to build a nice wooden fence around the garden. The fence is sturdy and protects the garden, yet doesn’t block sun to keep the plants from growing. It even has a clever little gate to allow you to choose what comes in and out of it. The fence isn’t about isolation, it’s about intention. With the fence and gate clearly delineating what’s part of your yard and your neighbor’s, you get to choose when and how to protect your time, energy, and resources.
Types of Boundaries
- Physical – define personal space and physical contact.
- Emotional – regulate the extent to which we engage emotionally with others in relationships.
- Financial – how much of our financial resources are we able to spend/limit.
- Time – the amount of time we allocate to ourselves and others.
- Spiritual – guide our spiritual and faith practices; help us define our personal beliefs from external influences
- Mental – protect our thoughts, ideas, opinions from undue influence.
What to Keep in Mind When Exploring or Setting New Boundaries:
- Resentment grows like a weed. Take notice of relationships or areas of your life where you might be experiencing resentment. Typically resentment is a simmering combination of anger, disappointment, frustration, and injustice. This is usually a clear indicator of where a boundary would be helpful. If left unaddressed, resentment can take over and significantly damage a relationship.
- Pruning isn’t punishment. Cutting back during certain seasons of life can help you flourish more in the long-run. By setting boundaries, you are being intentional with your time, energy, and resources. This may mean pausing before making a commitment or saying “no” altogether. Just like pruning helps a plant thrive, recognizing and setting limits with yourself and others can allow time for rest, reflection, and for you to recharge your own battery to prevent long-term burnout.
- Fences require upkeep – so do your boundaries. If your garden fence is showing wear and is in need of repair, it’s more difficult to protect what’s in your garden. Trespassers might be more likely to make their way through without you even noticing! It’s important to consistently check in with yourself and see if resentment, burnout, or guilt are starting to overrun your garden. By doing this, you can start to identify repairs that need to be made or certain boundaries that need to be strengthened.
- Look for inspiration from others who you respect. Just as you might admire others’ gardens in your neighborhood, see if you can identify 1-2 individuals in your life who model healthy boundaries. You might recall a time where they were clear about their boundaries with you or others and how it helped to create security in your relationship over time. This person doesn’t necessarily need to be the closest to you, but someone who you’ve had several interactions with and left feeling a sense of mutual respect.
Your energy, time, and peace—they’re not up for grabs. Like any thriving garden, your life needs care, nourishment, and a sturdy fence. Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about deciding what truly gets to enter and grow in your space.
Megan Davis, LCSW, PMH-C is a mental health therapist and mother of two specializing in supporting women experiencing anxiety and OCD throughout their reproductive journey. She has a private practice based in Raleigh and is also licensed in VA and SC. Megan believes therapy isn’t a one size fits all approach and offers a variety of services such as therapy intensives, walk and talk therapy, and self-care through floral design workshops.
For more information on Megan’s training, therapeutic approach, and services, visit www.megandavispsychotherapy.com. You can also follow her on Instagram @megandavispsychotherapy
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