You Are Not Your Thoughts: Practical Ways to Unhook From What’s Unhelpful
By Megan Davis, LCSW, PMH-C
If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a loop of “I’m such a bad mom” or “I can’t handle this anymore,” you’re definitely not alone. Every mom I know (myself included) has had those moments when their mind just will not quit chattering.
Our minds are like little computers, giving us endless data. Some of the information is helpful, some isn’t. Our minds love to throw out predictions, worries, judgments, and “what-ifs” all day long and sometimes, we accidentally start believing what they say.
This is where cognitive defusion comes in—a simple but powerful skill that helps you create some breathing room between you and thoughts you are experiencing.
What Is Cognitive Defusion?
Cognitive defusion is a term taken from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that can be a really useful skill once you get the hang of it. It’s all about learning to notice and see your thoughts instead of getting sucked into them.
When you’re “fused” with a thought, it feels completely true, like:
- “I’m failing as a mom.”
- “My kids are going to remember this forever.”
- “Everyone else has it together but me.”
Those thoughts can take over quickly. They affect how we feel, how we act, and how we show up for our kids. Almost like a filter through which we experience the world. When you practice defusion, you start noticing thoughts for what they are—just words and stories your mind is telling you. Sometimes helpful, sometimes not.
Think about a movie or book that was so vivid and captured your attention. You might have felt totally engrossed in the story, almost as if you were a part of it – taking on the emotions of the characters and imagining how you’d react. That is what it’s like being fused to our thoughts.
Are you actually a part of the storyline? Did the TV or book somehow suck you in? Metaphorically yes, but not actually. You can still notice that you are separate from the storyline and characters and that you are watching this movie or reading this book while in the comfort of your own home. This is diffusion.
Your brain doesn’t always know the difference between “I’m in danger” and “I’m tired, overstimulated, and need to take a beat.” Instead it sends up warning thoughts… lots of them.
Why Do Our Minds Do This?
Thousands of years ago, our ancestors needed to notice danger instantly: “That large brown mound could be a bear!” This has led to our minds being wired to protect us. But in modern life, that same protective wiring sometimes freaks out over way less scary things—like a toddler meltdown in Target or even just thinking about going to that networking event for work.
Your brain doesn’t always know the difference between “I’m in danger” and “I’m tired, overstimulated, and need to take a beat.” Instead it sends up warning thoughts… lots of them.
Cognitive defusion helps you stand back and notice, “Okay, that’s my brain trying to keep me safe—but I don’t have to believe everything it says.”
How Cognitive Defusion Helps in Real Life
1. The “I’m a Bad Mom” Spiral
Let’s say you snapped at your kid for the third time this morning. Immediately, the thought pops up: “I’m a terrible mom”. This can easily slide into thoughts about how you’re going to mess your kid up and ruin the relationship.
Now let’s say, “I’m noticing the thought that I’m a terrible mom.” That small shift, adding “I’m noticing the thought that…”, creates space. You’re no longer inside the thought. You’re noticing it. From there, you are more likely to see what’s actually true: you had a tough moment, not a moral failing. Maybe what you really need is a deep breath and self-compassion.
2. The “Everyone’s Judging Me” Moment
You’re at preschool pickup, and another mom casually mentions her kid already knows how to read. Cue the inner voice: “I should be doing more. I’m slacking. She must think I’m lazy.”
Try this: picture that thought as if it’s showing up on a little cloud floating by. – “There’s the ‘everyone’s judging me’ cloud again.” Watch it drift past. You don’t have to chase it or argue with it. It’s just passing weather in your mind’s sky.
3. The “I Should be Able to Handle This Better” Myth
Ouch. This one hurts and tends to bring up a lot of shame and perfectionism. “Should” thoughts are great for cognitive defusion, because oftentimes they are based on rules or expectations that might not truly align with our own value set. “I should be able to handle work meetings this week, planning a birthday party and going to the gym daily”.
Now imagine that thought posted on a billboard while you’re driving on the highway. You can see it and notice it, but you don’t have to stop, get out of the car and take a picture with it.
Get Creative With Cognitive Defusion
Defusion doesn’t have to be serious or complicated. In fact, it works even better when you can bring in a little humor and creativity.
- Sing your thoughts: Next time your brain gets dramatic (“You’re a disaster!”), sing it opera-style or to the tune of Happy Birthday. Suddenly, it’s not so convincing.
- Give your mind a nickname: “Thanks for your input, Martyr Mom Brain.” You’ve acknowledged the thought—but you’re not letting it take charge.
- Write it down and read it out loud: Seeing your thought on paper reminds you it’s just words, not truth. Better yet, write difficult thoughts down and play trashcan basketball with them.
- Use silly imagery: Picture your kid’s favorite cartoon character. Imagine the cartoon saying the thought in their obnoxiously funny voice.
These tiny shifts can make a huge difference in how much power your thoughts hold over you.
Why This is Powerful for Moms
Motherhood is full of noise—literally and figuratively. Between sleep deprivation, endless decisions, and societal or familial expectations, our minds can start to become bullies. Cognitive defusion gives you a way to step back, breathe, and shift your perspective. It doesn’t mean ignoring real problems or pretending everything’s fine. It means recognizing that your thoughts are part of your experience—not the whole experience. Maybe it’s possible for your mind to still chatter and you do what matters.
About the author. Megan Davis, LCSW, PMH-C is a mental health therapist and mother of two who loves working with mothers across the lifespan, from preconception through perimenopause. She has a private practice and specializes in maternal mental health and those experiencing perinatal OCD and anxiety. Megan offers virtual psychotherapy to clients located across NC, SC, and VA. She is now offering therapy intensives focused on Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) for OCD and perinatal mental health support and planning for women who are ready to get a jumpstart in therapy. She also provides seasonal in-person workshops incorporating creativity, connection, and self-care through floral design.
For more information on Megan’s training, therapeutic approach, and services, visit www.megandavispsychotherapy.com.
You can also follow her on Instagram @megandavispsychotherapy.
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