When My Child Has ADHD—and I Don’t Know If It’s Impacting Them at School
By Holly Moore
We’re almost halfway through the school year, and I find myself sitting at a long table across from my third-grade daughter’s teacher, the school counselor, and the 504 coordinator. I am sandwiched between my husband and the school psychologist, the principal sits next to him and there we are- all these adults, for one child.
As the meeting begins, I work to orient myself: the purpose, the questions, the unspoken expectations. I try to ground myself in my role as parent– as the representative for my daughter, who in my mind is both three years old, curled up in my lap, and almost ten, leaning confidently against my shoulder.
I take a breath.
I know this team is here to support her. And still, I feel a strong protective part rise up in me, wanting to say out loud:
“She is not her behaviors.”
Through the discomfort, I find steadiness in the small things- the smile of the psychologist I’m lucky to know, my husband’s knee gently tapping against mine under the table.
As a psychologist, I’ve sat in countless meetings like this. But there is nothing quite like being stripped of the shield of professional objectivity and dropped fully into the vulnerability of being a mom, loving her second-born daughter, her baby. All of these roles live inside me, right there at that table.
This blog isn’t about my vulnerability, her behaviors, or even the outcome of that meeting (there will be more to come). It’s about a moment of clarity—one where I realized I could have made an earlier shift that might have helped her.
When ADHD Feels “Managed”… Until It Doesn’t
My daughter has Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Combined Type, which means some inattention and some hyperactivity. It influences her learning. It influenced mine, too.
I work hard to help her symptoms not interfere with her ability to learn, to access her school day, and to feel competent as a student.
For the most part, I believed her ADHD was well managed through medication (which I recognize is not for everyone) and play-based therapy.
I was wrong.
During the meeting, her teacher read aloud classroom observations:
difficulty sitting, trouble sustaining attention, calling out, excessive movement.
None of these were surprising. I know these behaviors are real. What was surprising was the degree to which they were impacting her day- something that hadn’t been communicated clearly before the meeting.
This happens often. In our educational system, teachers are frequently not empowered to be direct, sometimes out of fear of upsetting families or getting into trouble. Behaviors get softened, sandwiched between compliments, or framed in vague language.
I understand why this happens, and I still take issue with it.
When we cushion behaviors instead of naming them, it actually amplifies confusion and delays support. We can’t move forward if we don’t clearly see what’s happening.
Okay—stepping off the soapbox 😊
When we cushion behaviors instead of naming them, it actually amplifies confusion and delays support. We can’t move forward if we don’t clearly see what’s happening.
If Your Child Has ADHD and You’re Unsure How It’s Showing Up at School
Here’s what I want you to know.
If you have a child with ADHD and you’re not sure how their symptoms are presenting in the classroom, there are clear, respectful, and effective ways to get real information without putting teachers on the spot or dismissing your own instincts.
1. Ask for a Rating Scale or Screener
Request a rating scale through your pediatrician, therapist, or school team. These tools are often norm-referenced, meaning your child’s behaviors are compared to same-age peers rather than subjective impressions.
Here are some options:
- COPS Attention Rating Scale
A brief teacher screener focused on classroom attention. - Vanderbilt ADHD Diagnostic Rating Scale
A widely used parent and teacher scale aligned with DSM criteria and common school needs. - Conners Rating Scales
A more comprehensive, norm-referenced measure often used for deeper evaluation and progress monitoring. - ADHD Rating Scale-5
A direct measure of ADHD symptoms based on DSM-5 criteria.
These tools reduce guesswork and minimize the bias that can come with informal observations.
2. Email the Teacher (and Normalize the Ask)
You can take the pressure off by being clear and collaborative. For example:
Hi, I wanted to check in on how Sam is doing at school. As you know, he has ADHD, and his symptoms can change over time. To better understand his current presentation, I’m asking you to complete the attached rating scale, which I’ll be sharing with his pediatrician. Thank you so much for your time and support.
You’ll typically want input from at least two teachers when possible.
3. Consider a Structured Observation
A structured classroom observation—such as the Behavior Observation of Students in Schools (BOSS)—can be incredibly helpful. This type of observation looks specifically at on-task versus off-task behavior in real classroom settings and provides concrete data everyone can understand.
Don’t Forget the Most Important Voice: Your Child’s
These tools offer numbers, ratings, and categories, but your child’s experience matters just as much. Ask how their attention feels during the school day: whether noise or movement is distracting, whether they feel embarrassed when they call out, or whether their mind wanders to favorite shows or small daydreams.
Before You Fix, Understand
Before you invest time, money, or energy into new schedules, charts, or interventions, pause to understand what’s actually needed right now. The complicated, frustrating, and beautiful truth about ADHD is that it evolves. What worked last year, or even last month, may not work today. Trying to force old interventions onto new needs often creates more stress than support.
What you see today is not forever. And being responsive, rather than rigid, is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child.
In this with you,
Holly Moore
Mom · Therapist · School Psychologist 💛
*This blog was written by me, with my experience and knowledge. It was edited using AI for format and grammar.
About Holly Moore. Holly is a psychotherapist, school psychologist and a certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator. She understands the immense diversity within each of us and seeks to develop support that is unique to your needs. Sessions often incorporate strategies to reduce distress through modalities such as EMDR, parts work and ACT. She is trained in SPACE, which is a specific program supporting parents of children with anxiety and OCD. She lives in a neurodivergent home thus, is practical in strategies and relatable in practice.
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